The Strawberry-Butter Pecan Incident (Non-fiction!)

Posted on June 3, 2011 by Betsy

My husband James could be a real jerk at times. That day in the supermarket was one of those times. We were in the frozen food section, with all four of his children. Knowing that we were out of ice cream at home, I put a carton of Butter Pecan (my favorite flavor) in the cart. He immediately objected.

“I’m tired of Butter Pecan, let’s get Strawberry,” he said, grabbing a carton of Strawberry and putting the Butter Pecan back in the freezer case.

“Wait a minute,” I countered, “You know I don’t like Strawberry — let’s just get both.”

“No, I’m trying to lose weight and I don’t want to have two cartons in the house.” I was really skinny back then, so there was no incentive for me to try to lose weight. I tried logic.

“Well if you’re trying to avoid temptation, it would make more sense to get the Butter Pecan,” I began.

He adamantly refused and blocked the door to the case with Butter Pecan, “I don’t want Butter Pecan!”

I decided to try a compromise, “Okay, how about a flavor we both like, maybe Fudge Ripple or Dutch Chocolate?”

“No,” he insisted, pouting like a child. At that point I noticed the four pairs of big round eyes watching us. I realized it was upsetting the kids to see us arguing. So even though it was patently unfair, I gave in and let him push the cart with only the Strawberry ice cream.

I fumed all the way home, and didn’t even help carry in the groceries. I went to the bedroom and turned on the TV. James joined me after a short while and called out to the kids to bring him a bowl of ice cream.

Great, I thought, now he’s going to flaunt his selfish choice in front of me. I was really pissed.

Chris, the oldest boy, came in with a big bowl of ice cream and handed it to James, who smirked at me before taking a big bite. Then he sputtered, “What the …!”

The bowl contained Butter Pecan ice cream. He immediately accused Chris of pulling a switch.

“No dad,” Chris said, “I got that from the new carton — it’s the only one in the fridge.”

We all adjourned to the kitchen to investigate. Sure enough there was only one carton in the fridge (and I even checked the trash for old cartons). The carton was clearly labeled “Strawberry”, but when we opened the lid we could see that it contained Butter Pecan ice cream.

There was no evidence of tampering. The ice cream was untouched in the portion that still had the plastic covering, and was clearly Butter Pecan.

James glared at me suspiciously. “I don’t know how you did it,” he griped, “but I know you did something.”

All I could do was laugh, and relieve him of the bowl of ice cream. The kids were sure I had performed some sort of magic trick, and for weeks perstered me to say how I pulled the switch. I had no answer, since I had not done anything except wish that it was the other flavor.  I thought it was just a case of cosmic justice.

Posted in Strange but True, Wicker Stepmother (excerpts) | 3 Comments

Everybody Needs One

Posted on May 29, 2011 by Betsy

When my husband had a cerebral hemorrhage back in January, I spent a lot of time talking with other women in the waiting room of the Critical Care Unit. We compared notes on the illnesses and injuries that our husbands were dealing with. We discussed past illnesses that had been survived, giving each other hope.

It was a struggle for everyone to stay positive, to avoid a “why me?” fixation. Instead we looked at how much worse things could have been. We gave thanks that our husbands were still alive, that their condition wasn’t worse. In my own case, I was thankful that my husband had not had a car accident while he was driving around with his peripheral vision shutting down. He could easily have wrecked his car and injured someone else. I was also thankful that the hemorrhage hadn’t affected anything else. He could still talk, and walk, and use his hands. I was acutely aware that things could so easily have been so much worse.

We especially struggled to be calm and upbeat during visitation times. We tried not to let our husbands see how worried we were for them. We knew, without the doctors having to tell us, that it was important for the patients to feel hopeful. After each brief visitation we compared notes about how our husbands were reacting. A common thread emerged: that our husbands were overly grateful for our presence at their bedsides, because they felt they did not deserve our love. The common remark from the husbands was, “I know I’m a butthole, how can you love me so?”

When my husband asked me, I had an answer for him:

“Every body needs a butthole. If you didn’t have a butthole, your body would fill up with crap. You may be a butthole, but you’re MY butthole. You keep my LIFE from filling up with crap.”

Posted in Philosophy of Life | 3 Comments

It’s Cinderella’s Fault — How I Became the Wicker Stepmother

Posted on May 26, 2011 by Betsy

When you hear the word stepmother, what adjective springs to mind? Wicked, right? I blame Cinderella, but Walt Disney had a big role too, influencing generations of children. Oh sure, Snow White had a stepmother, but she’s more thought of as the Evil Queen or Witch than as a stepmother.

I had trouble coming to grips with the idea that by marrying a man with children, I was suddenly a Stepmother. Every time the word was said, I could hear the unspoken “wicked” hovering above the conversation. I could also see that flicker of doubt in the eyes of children each time I was introduced as a stepmother.

The transformation to the Wicker Stepmother started as a joke, a bad pun. I joked that I wasn’t wicked, but wicker, because I was a basket case. After all, becoming overnight mom to four troubled children was quite a challenge. It ran me ragged, especially at first.

The more I thought about it, the more wicker fit as my adjective of choice. Wicker is extensively used for outdoor furniture in the south. It looks light and airy, but it is surprisingly strong. It survives rain and wind and just gets more beautiful as it weathers. Though each strand may be slender, woven together they can support heavy weight and stand up to impacts like being jumped on.

Wicker is a versatile material, going way beyond baskets. It is woven into chairs and tables, bottle covers, lamp bases, bookcases, and more, even beach shelters. So as a Wicker Stepmother, I decided I could fill a lot of roles. I could carry them, support them, nurture them, teach them, and shelter them. So I embraced my new role, as the Wicker Stepmother.

c. 4/23/11, B. Riley

Posted in Wicker Stepmother (excerpts) | Comments Off on It’s Cinderella’s Fault — How I Became the Wicker Stepmother

Learning to Blog 2

Posted on May 25, 2011 by Betsy

Progress! I’ve learned how to install widgets and plugins. WordPress makes it pretty easy. I’ve added a “Subscribe to my blog” link — see it over on the right in the navbar? That was a public domain widget. I had to download a zipfile to my computer, unzip it and then upload all the pieces to my website. There’s also now a facebook like/send button at the bottom of each post. That was a plug-in. It installed automatically with a click (which just added it to the list of possible plug-ins), then I had to check the box next to it in the list and click “apply” to activate it (it took a couple of tries to figure that out). There were options to make it appear as a graphical button, but I chose to use simple text.

Separately I have learned how to tweet. I created a twitter account (free) and have a “follow me on twitter” button on my main webpage (http://brws.com). The twitter.com site had a bunch of different versions of twitter buttons and you can copy the code to put in the html of your webpage. My tweets are mostly daily JOT suggestions.

I’ve also found some great resources online. http://ebookarchitects.com/conversions/formats.php has a really great tutorial on the different formats used for ebooks, and the pros and cons of different ereaders. http://www.unrulyguides.com has lots of DIY guides for epublishing including a tutorial on cover design (and complimentary colors). So far, THE COMET isn’t suitable for becoming an ebook because of the heavily illustrated format. But there’s a new ebook style being developed for children’s books that will have a fixed format — so that images stay with the text. At the moment, conversion to that format is really tricky, but it will get better.

Another feature I’ve become familiar with is moderation of comments. Every time someone makes a comment on my blog, I get the opportunity to accept or reject it. A good thing because blog comments are a target for spammers (because commenters get to link to their own sites). So keep those REAL comments coming.

Posted in Nuts and Bolts | 1 Comment

No More Clark Kent

Posted on May 17, 2011 by Betsy

I got my hair cut today, and the stylist changed my part. I had grown up parting my hair on the right. Looking in the mirror, a righthand part made my hairdo look like the magazine photos I was copying. When I was old enough to realize my mistake, using a righthand part was already a habit. In college my friends teased me that I had “Clark Kent hair”.

Remember the Christopher Reeve Superman movies? Clark Kent always parted his hair on the right as part of his disguise. Then when he ripped off his shirt to become Superman, his hair switched to a lefthand part. We always laughed because his entire disguise consisted of the righthand part and a pair of eyeglasses. Well, I had the eyeglasses too.

In a way the glasses were a protective barrier between me and the outside world — my own disguise. Although I wore contacts for a while in college, I realized I felt more comfortable wearing eyeglasses.  With glasses I was incognito, with no one seeing the real me hiding behind the frames — the superstar I knew was within me.

Too many of us hide behind our “Clark Kent” personas. We put on a “normal” face for the world, so that no one can tell we are different. Especially so no one can tell we believe we are special. Because others might scoff if they knew, we hide our specialness. Because we might fail, we deny our dreams.

We all have a spark of greatness inside, a unique contribution we can make to the world. What are your dreams? What could you do if you weren’t afraid of failing?

I’ve decided my days of being Clark Kent are over. I’m going to let my inner Superman shine. For starters, I’ve published my first book. It combines my long time dreams of being both an author and an artist. Putting out that book was symbolic for me — stepping out to achieve one of my dreams and to show the world that I believe what I have to say is important.

Why don’t you join me?  Do the thing you’ve always dreamed of. Become the success you’ve always known you could be. Throw off your Clark Kent disguise and show the world your special talents.  Come on, show me your “S”!

Clark Kent ripping open shirt to show Superman logo

Posted in Philosophy of Life, Self-help | 2 Comments

Nothing But Time

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Betsy

I used to have NBT2G as my personalized license plate. It stood for “Nothing But Time to Give” — a reaction to a time in my life when I felt surrounded by people who only wanted me around for what I could buy them. It was a cry of defiance: “Don’t ask me for anything but my time from here on out!” But as I reflected on that motto over the next year, I realized my time was more valuable than anything else I had to offer. I could always earn more money to replace what was lost, but I could never get back the time wasted on people who were no more than users.

Time is a great equalizer; everyone has the same 24 hours a day. You can’t buy, beg, borrow or steal more hours for your day. That’s one reason many bartering systems treat all services equally, based solely on the time involved. So an hour from a master carpenter trades the same as an hour of babysitting. It’s a recognition that your time is just as valuable to you as my time is to me. That means we all have an obligation to respect each other’s time.

Unfortunately, many parts of our society do not respect the time of  individuals equally. If I’m late for a doctor’s appointment, I may be charged for the missed visit, but if I’m kept waiting hours past my appointment time, well that’s just my bad luck. Of course, we may not be able to change that system, but we can change how we interact with friends, family, even strangers.

To respect others’ time, I can resolve to be prompt and prepared for events I commit to. I can let my loved ones know how much I appreciate the time they spend with me. And I can recognize that quality time is the most valuable gift I can give to anyone. What if I knew I only had one day, or one week, left with my loved ones? How would I spend that time differently? 

I also need to respect my own time. If there are people or institutions that consistently waste my time, I can look at possible changes. If I’m stuck with repeated waits at a particular establishment, then maybe I can find a way to use that time productively. I can take a book to read, or a journal to write in, or some portable craft project to work on.

Join me in re-examining the value of time. Take a look at what things you consider most important in your life. Then look at how you spend your time. Are your scheduling decisions consistent with your priorities? If not, don’t worry — it’s not too late to change.

We still have time.

Posted in Philosophy of Life | 1 Comment

Last Call

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Betsy

Think back to the last time you called a friend or family member whom you don’t see every day. Now imagine that that call was the last conversation you’ll ever have with that person — are you  happy with what you said?

My father died suddenly in 1976. In the midst of my shock and sorrow, I took great comfort from the conversation we had just a couple of days before. He had told me he was proud of me, and I had said I loved him. As I traveled back home for the funeral, I thought about all the times that I didn’t end calls that way. What if I hadn’t said “I love you” on that last call? The thought chilled me, and I resolved to always tell people that I cherished how I felt about them, on every call. It was the start of a habit that has enriched my life. 

It may feel strange when you first start. Saying “I love you” may feel too mushy, or inappropriate, even sexual. Slight changes can fix that. I have one friend who has her own tagline: “love ya baby, no sh*t.”  Another uses “You know I love you” as her closing ritual. Don’t worry, you can find other words to let them know how much they mean to you.  Like my friend who uses “you’re da bomb.” It’s not so much the specific words you say, as the fact that you have a ritual for ending each call with that person.

To get the greatest benefit from a ritual phrase, first have a detailed conversation with the person, telling them why you value their role in your life. By ending that conversation with a ritual phrase, you set up a trigger. Every time you use the phrase thereafter, it will trigger their subconscious memory of that conversation. This increases positive energy for both you and your friend/relative.

The ritual might be “favorite travel buddy” or “best friend” or some other term that works for you. Are they the person that keeps your secrets? Try “secret-keeper” as their tag. If they are always available when you need to talk, try “my special listener” as a tag. Maybe they are your cheerleader or motivator. If you consider them a role model, “I’m your biggest fan” could work.

When my youngest brother says “You’re my favorite sister” — I laugh and point out that I’m his ONLY sister.  I, however, have TWO brothers, and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I qualify my response. He becomes “my favorite sage-advice-giving brother” or “my favorite hamburger-eating brother” (because he was eating a hamburger while we were talking). Now I’m his “favorite book-writing sister” sometimes. Coming up with a creative qualifier has turned into a way for us to motivate each other.

Remember, you never know when a phone conversation will turn out to be a last call, so make each call count.

Posted in Philosophy of Life | 1 Comment

Welcome to My World

Posted on May 6, 2011 by Betsy

Everyone searches for the meaning of life, or maybe they think of it as their mission in life. I, too, searched for a time. But now I’ve found the mission, the meaning, that works for me. I want to make the world a better place, by doing just one thing (JOT) at a time. That doesn’t mean I think I can change the world — it means that I believe one person can make a difference. I believe that any improvement, no matter how small, is worth doing. 

It’s like that story of the boy walking the beach throwing beached starfish back into the sea so they wouldn’t suffocate on the sand. A man passing by mocks the boy, “There are hundreds of starfish, you can’t possibly save them all–what difference can you make?” The boy picks up another starfish, and flinging it into the sea says, “I made a difference to that one.”  Starfish are all around us; let’s save the ones we can.

For my writing, this mission means that no matter how grim the subject matter, I will always find a way to turn it into a positive message. That doesn’t mean there will always be happy endings — just that something positive will be learned. 

One of my recurring themes will be “family of choice”. That is the concept that we don’t have to rely only on the relatives we are given by birth. For many people, relying on blood relatives is not an option — the genetic hand they are dealt is really a raw deal. Other people may have outlived their birth families. That doesn’t mean they have to be without a family. We can choose the people we gather around us and build our own “families” — choosing people that share our values, to also share our lives.

I will also collect and share suggestions for JOTs that are easy to turn into habits. A JOT might be something you do once a year, once a month, once a week, once a day, or even once an hour. All that matters is that you only tackle ONE change at a time. That makes it a small effort that anyone can handle. When your one thing becomes a habit, then you can think about adding the next JOT.

Posted in Philosophy of Life | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Look! Up in the Sky!

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Betsy

It’s not a bird or a plane, it’s a comet — THE COMET actually. THE COMET is my first published book. It is an illustrated fable about love, loss, and growth. Written with deliberate simplicity and primitive imagery, at first glance it may appear to be a children’s book. It is not intended to be, but it works as a simple story for children too. THE COMET examines relationships and the nature of loneliness. THE COMET also covers the theme of family of choice, both in the story itself, and in my dedication.

I wrote the original text after my second divorce, as a reflection of my own journey. When I ran across the story over the holidays, I shared it with a few friends and they all encouraged me to make it more widely available. I expected that it would mainly be appreciated by women who had been through difficult relationships. As I get feedback from readers, I’m finding that people interpret the story in the light of their own lives, and it is touching a broader audience than I anticipated. People with happy marriages may see it as a metaphor for work relationships, or even as their struggle with life and the universe. One reader even used The Comet as personal motivation for competing in the Senior Olympics — at age 75 she won a gold medal in the high jump!

When I agreed to go for publication, I decided the book needed illustrations to complete the story. Originally I planned to create the illustrations in pastels. I mocked up a couple of images digitally so that I could experiment with composition, but decided I liked the digital versions better. I hope you do too. Based on reader requests I have made some of them available for purchase.

THE COMET is available from Amazon.com and from BlueDragonPress.com as a large print paperback.

   

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Learning to Blog

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Betsy

I thought blogging would be easy, but it’s harder than I thought. Oh not the writing — that part is easy. It’s the darned software that’s the problem; it keeps eating my posts. I checked with other authors online and pretty much everyone recommended the same software–wordpress. If I had a user manual, or had read the documentation it might be easier. This software is supposed to be the best (free) software out there, and I AM a computing professional and skilled webmaster. I figured it would be a test of how good their user interface is. Not as good as I’d hoped. 

When I first tried downloading from the WordPress website, the files wouldn’t even open. But then I found that my webhosting service, HostCentric, offers wordpress as a simpleinstall option. That way of downloading was MUCH easier. It did all the setup directly into my website.  However, the “put your blog in a different folder than the software” option didn’t work. I finally figured that out and disabled the feature — voila! my posts reappeared.

I’d really like to work on uploading some graphics to pretty it up, but first I need to get the navigation menu set up to my liking. I finally switched to a different theme that offers a bit more flexibility with the page appearance. I haven’t figured out how to make text wrap around images in the posts, or how to put working links in a post yet. So far I can only put links on the navbar. Wish me luck, and bear with me on these first few posts as I shake the kinks out of the system.

Posted in Nuts and Bolts | Tagged , , | 2 Comments